1.         Vampires

Honestly, I never really was into them in the first place.  I mean… they’re DEAD!  And not just dead, but living dead, which is not only absurd but outright disgusting.  The trend toward hot babes in the form of blood-sucking vampires baffles me.  Exactly how much decomposition did that “sexy vampire” go through before he stuck his tongue in your mouth?  Pass me the mind bleach.
2.         Middle-aged women getting all excited about vampires
It doesn’t help that I’m not into teenagers as romantic partners anyway.  I’ve seen women old enough to know better with “Twilight” tattoos on their backs.  I’m curious as to how “awesome” that’s going to look in 2037 when they’re in the nursing home.  Not pretty.
3.         Jersey Shore on MTV
Is it over yet?  Please?
4.         Self-flushing toilets
Bit of a TMI rant here – who is the evil genius that came up with this idea?  Sure, I don’t have to touch the handle and flush with my hand.  But I figure my hand has already touched the door, the door latch, the toilet paper dispenser, the toilet paper and my own “stuff” with only a few flimsy sheets of toilet paper as a barrier.  Is touching one less thing really going to make that much of a difference?  I’d still be fine with self-flushing toilets if the sensors weren’t so freaking sensitive.  Every time you shift position to, um… get a better take on the situation, the toilet flushes.  Nothing like getting toilet water and miscellaneous bodily fluids (and etc) sprayed on your delicate girly bits.  Seriously, I can handle flushing all by myself.
5.         Heat
It’s officially September now.  105F is no longer appropriate.  Please adjust the global northern hemispherical thermostat to 78F and we’ll all be less cranky.  Thanks bunches in advance.
6.         Mean people
I’m pretty much done with mean people.  Go ahead and move to some island in the middle of nothingness where you can all be snarky and know-it-all and rude to each other.  And please take the inconsiderate people with you.  If I smile at one more person and get a look of disdain in return, I’m going to get snotty and smile-stalk them.  “Are you smiling back now?  How about now?  Maybe now?”
7.         Corporate greed
We live in a capitalistic economy, and I truly do understand that.  I just have a problem when companies lie or cheat or manipulate their customers and employees.  It’s not cool.  I’m really willing to pay a little more to know everything is above board and you’re not screwing over small family businesses or adding addictive things to your food or getting outrageous tax breaks while cutting your workers lives into shreds.  Stuff like that makes me think you’re an obnoxious bully.  Or that ass I dated a few years ago.  But that’s another story.
8.         “I’m sorry for your loss”
Number 1 most over-used phrase anytime anyone dies on TV now.  Is that really the most creative you can get?  Next time you watch a crime drama or any show on TV where someone dies, the line will inevitably be “I’m sorry for your loss.”  No one ever says “I’m so sorry your mother died” or “I’m really going to miss your sister” or “I wish your husband was still here.”  Always “I’m sorry for your loss.”  You think I’m kidding?  Watch for it.  I dare you.
9.         “Conversate”
It’s not a word.  “Converse” is a word.  Actually, “converse” is the word you’re supposed to be using, and yet you insist on saying “conversate”.  In the name of humanity, why??  Please.  Stop.
10.       “Deserve”
You don’t “deserve” anything.  Get used to it.  You may believe you have “earned” certain things, but saying you “deserve” it sounds like you think you are owed something just because your pretty little face showed up on the planet so many years ago.  Get that thought out of your head and focus more on what you can do for someone else to make their lives better.  And maybe then you will have “earned” some respect from those around you.

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