I spent Saturday afternoon cruising the aisles of my local Costco, which I’m generally not allowed to do without an escort since I don’t have much of a verbal filter. Some observations from the ordeal:
1. You are what’s in your cart.
And let me tell you, that’s scary. Now I’ve been known to go into stealth mode and peruse others’ carts at the grocery store. You know, try and figure out why they’re buying that specific combination of items. Hair color, razors and wine? You go girl! Cookie dough ice cream, Kleenex and tequila? Same girl 6 months later. Costco is this on steroids because you just can’t hide a 72 pack of Pop Tarts under any amount of celery. I try my best to refrain from commenting on their food choices out loud, mostly because I can’t run or take a punch like I used to.
2. Shoppers will eat anything if a grey-haired woman in a paper cap hands it to them on a toothpick and says it’s free.
I’m waiting for the day they hand out samples of cat litter in a tiny plastic cup. “Mmm, crunchy texture. And is it low fat?” Don’t forget the kids!
3. People are truly oblivious to the existence of other life on this planet.
The carts are so freaking big, and there’s just so many of them. Suddenly it’s the 405 Freeway during rush hour, and everyone is driving like my Grandpa in his Cadillac. “Let ‘em all go around me!” I can only clear my throat loudly and cuss under my breath so many times. I need to buy my own cart and install an air horn. That’ll make her drop her cup of cat litter and get out of the way!
4. Everyone has a Costco card.
Yes, even that creepy guy. Go ahead. You know you want to look in his cart. 7 bottles of lotion, a ladder and a pound of grapefruit. Yeah, even I’m not going there.
5. If you’re old enough for sex, you’re old enough to own a big girl purse.
Now I don’t mind a little PDA. I think it’s nice when a couple is affectionate in public. It’s kind of like saying “They’re with me, and we’re so much in love that we can’t keep our hands off each other!” Which I think is great as long as they stay away from the produce section. But if he gives her a little slap on the butt and it lands right between the legs of her stuffed bear backpack, that’s just wrong in SO many ways. Please, just buy a purse so you look like a grownup and don’t creep everyone out.
6. No one could possibly ever need that much toilet paper.