I’d write about people that annoy the crap out of me in general, but there just isn’t that much space on the internet. So here’s the scoop on this week’s top offenders. Not surprisingly, a few are oblivious or obnoxious drivers, but that’s to be expected here in Vegas. Tighten up those seatbelts; we’re in for a bumpy ride!
1. Hall Monitor
Okay, I was a little peeved when you had a stop sign and I didn’t, but you turned right in front of me anyway and I had to slam on my brakes to avoid riding in your trunk. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and hoped you were in a huge hurry, leaving me in a cloud of dust as you sped off into the distance. But you didn’t. You pulled right in front of me and went 30mph in a 35mph zone. One lane, double yellow, so I can’t pass, and in passing, show you that you’re #1 – see the one finger? Yes, you and I both know this stretch of road is a speed trap, and we can even see the motorcycle cops with their radar guns pointed, but I have never gotten a ticket for accidentally going 1 mile over the speed limit. 92mph in a 70mph zone? Yes. But never for 36 in a 35. Go! Better yet, don’t cut me off in the first place! Seriously, I think I saw the cops snicker as we went by. Or maybe I’m just projecting.
2. Invisibility Does Not Equal Invincibility
I get that you’re a middle-aged man on a bicycle and maybe reliving your past a bit. Good for you, feeling all young like that. Or maybe you had your license taken away, but that’s just a guess (okay, maybe an educated guess from the looks of things). And I also understand that you have the right of way. Problem is, I have to see you to… well, not make you a puddle of bike and innards on the pavement. Maybe you’re embarrassed by the quality of your transportation, maybe you think you put on your Invincibility Shirt this morning (Hint: it’s the other one – green is your Invisibility Shirt) but I’m going to be really cranky if I have to wash superhero parts off of my front bumper. So it might be best if you don’t cross during a red light and I don’t leave smoke and tire tread behind me as I attempt to not squish you into oblivion.
3. You Get Half of the Road
But not the middle half. Really. Especially when I have a pedestrian jogging in the street on my side and an extreme loathing for manslaughter and jogger blood. I know you think you’re driving a monster truck and you need the room, but it’s just a Toyota compact. I’m sorry. You’ll have to compensate some other way.
4. Auto Enema
I’m in my work truck. It has GPS and my boss gets an automated email when I go more than 5mph over the speed limit for more than 15 seconds, and then I get a personalized email from my boss telling me I’m a hazard to the community and irresponsible with expensive company equipment and my job is going to be a memory in the very near future. So if you expect me to fly down the road when I’m already in the slow lane and there are 2 empty lanes to our left, it’s just not going to happen. No, you cannot push me, and if you get any closer to my bumper, I’m going to charge you with sexual harassment, thank you very much, because I’m just not that kind of a girl. Besides, it only makes me realize that I’m actually driving 3.5mph over the limit now, so I’d better slow down. Safety first, of course. Ooh, I hope I didn’t accidentally time that so you spilled hot coffee on your lap!
5. Self-Appointed Neighborhood Watch
I get it. I keep an eye on my neighborhood. I watch out for suspicious behavior on my street. But look, lady. I pulled up in a truck with the company logo painted a foot high on both doors, amber lights flashing across the top, and stepped out of the truck in full uniform, complete with company logos on the front and back of my shirt, a badge and a company hat. I then surrounded my truck with large orange cones, also emblazoned with the company logo. That’s not cause for suspicion! I don’t hang out with a lot of criminals, but I would venture a guess that your standard felon is a bit more sneaky than that. So now it’s just being nosy. Pony up the money for cable instead.
6. Speaking Of Crazy Neighbors…
Why is it that the crazy ones are always the ones sitting in their garage with the door open, and why do they always have the house right by the mailbox so you have to come right up to their driveway and listen to them talk about you in a language that you think is something foreign you’ve never heard before, but it could be absolute gibberish designed to completely mess with your head and make you get your mail incredibly fast? And is the old guy really cursing at me in Foreignish/Gibberish and walking away in disgust, or am I supposed to be following him somewhere?
7. First World Highfalutin Redneck Problems
I don’t drink sodas anymore because sodas (and donuts and Funyuns and Reese’s) make me fat. And maybe a little bitchy or weepy or clingy or gassy, depending on what day it is and whether I watched Gone With the Wind the night before. Anyway… so I buy Perrier because I really miss the bubbles. Plus, I think it’s funny driving around, looking like I’m drinking champagne. I’m looking forward to the day I get called into my boss’s office and asked if I have been toasting myself (and getting toasted) on the company dime. Because they can test me all they want – I very rarely drink, and absolutely never on the job. But lately, a lot of convenience stores have stopped carrying Perrier, and even the Sparklett’s version, which will do in a pinch but isn’t as much fun because it just looks like water. C’mon, people, what am I supposed to use to wash down my pork rinds?!